It feels like I'm under some sort of attack. Every direction I turn, every topic that pops up, every task that needs to be done, every bit of news that falls on my ear, every thought that pops in my head seems to be testing my resolve. That leads me to an interesting place spiritually speaking. I find myself thinking of King David and wondering what and how he came to write, "Against You, You only, have I sinned" I really like Psalm 51 - especially when something's been revealed to me and I find that Gods mercy is amazing - His forgiveness permanent and perpetual. But, what about when "I" am the victim of someone else's mistakes, evil, or whatever? Why do I have a hard time thinking "Well, it's not ME they sinned against, it was the Lord!"? When it feels like it's me that got the bad end of the deal, got the harsh side of the words, got the brunt of some other persons wrath..I tend to want to take that on for myself. That I am the one they "owe" an apology to and I am the one from which they need forgiveness.
That's the way I WANT to feel. That's the human side of me wanting to be put on a pedestal. I mean, imagine that someone you loved very much told you something that violated your trust. What they told you revealed that everything you thought was true about your relationship was actually a lie, or at least a partial lie. That every day when you thought something was all good...there was this other side that you didn't know about at all...and suddenly it's all revealed to you. It's quite a feeling of betrayal. And it feels like betrayal, embarrassment, etc. to you. But, is it?
What did it cost me? It simply may have made me look foolish for trusting something that was actually deceiving me. Is that my deepest fear, that I would appear foolish or gullible? That I put my trust in something that backfired? Why is that painful? I wish I knew...but, here's something that I do know. It isn't my place to "resent" or feel foolish or feel betrayed. I think that David was right. They didn't sin against me, a mere person, but a HOLY and JUST God. There is some healing power in knowing that. There is rest there...It really helps me to continue loving, to offer human forgiveness, to come along beside that person as a fellow "mistake maker" and disciple, love, or offer correction. Because, I, the reigning champion of mistakes and wrong doing, need that same treatment when I do what I am prone to do so frequently.
As David so eloquently states in Psalm 51:
13Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will(Y) return to you.
14Deliver me from(Z) bloodguiltiness, O God,
O(AA) God of my salvation,
and(AB) my tongue will sing aloud of your(AC) righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16(AD) For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are(AE) a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
1 comment:
I think one of the reasons we feel so hurt is a positive mechanism in that we gain wisdom in dealing with that person as well as others. Not to hold that against ayone, but we can gain insight for future opportunites. ALSO, I think when it really hurts, it is positive in that we have motivation to forgo doing the same thing to someone else. ~
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