What upsets you most?

I am listening to a book called "Not a Fan" - by Kyle Idleman. It's an extremely good listen although I am not finished yet. He was asking a series of questions geared toward identifying if Jesus is the appropriate recipient of the correct amount of affection and devotion...(which is all of it...I'll probably talk about that another time). One of the questions was "What upsets you most?".

 

One of the things I tend to do whether I am reading a book or listening to it is try to anticipate where the author is heading. But, when he asked what made me upset, I was thrown for a loop. Then he shared a story that was WAY to close to home. The summary of the story goes like this:

 

A father took his son fishing. His son was extremely excited to get to go and spend time with his dad. However, it was a bad day of fishing, They didn't get a single bite and as the day came to a close they packed up and headed home. The father was visibly irritated although silent.

 

The end.

 

Well, almost. Idleman went on to explain the meaning of the story. See, the point is that the father was more interested in catching fish than spending time with his son. Yeah, that's the point.

 

Now, back to my life and how that sentence affects me. First of all, because of who I am, I would slightly argue that just because they didn't catch fish and the dad was upset didn't mean that he didn't enjoy spending time withi his son. But, that's probably just because I am SO guilty of that behavior. When we get upset about something it's reflecting how strongly we feel robbed of the privilege of the success of the encounter. Was the encounter of the story to catch fish or build a relationship with his son? As I rewind this over and over again, I tend to agree more with Idleman. Then I rewind the past few weeks of my life..outbursts on the basketball court, disappointment in decisions of my children, dissatisfaction on how many times they have to be told something to get it right. All this highlights that I want things to be my way. I want to win, I want my kids to be intelligent, I want them to learn quickly....those things or ideas become more important than the person of my kids - and I get angry when they don't happen like I think they should.

 

That's the same in our relationship with the Lord. Am I putting myself and my desires above my commitment to follow Jesus. Are my frustrations actually just me throwing a fit about MY situation...  

This guy was reading my mind...

Here's an article I ran across. I was worried that it might "disappear" so I copied to mine. But, I didn't write one letter in this. However, it is definitely what was going through my mind. Read this and let me know your thoughts.

Youth-Owned Ministry

This post is part of a collection of articles sent as a follow-up to GYMN trainings. You can use these posts in your youth ministry. At the end of the article are questions for you to reflect on or for your youth leadership team to discuss.

Several years ago I found myself tired, discouraged and frustrated with the ministry to youth that I was involved with in North Philadelphia (USA).  I had been a youth pastor at a small urban church for about 5 years and had tried all the things I had ever read and heard that I was supposed to do to be an effective shepherd of young lives but it just didn’t seem to be working.  I had tried to get youth involved with many of “my great ideas” and all the “divinely inspired” ministry strategies that I was sure would work but there always seemed to be a lack of commitment and zeal on behalf of the youth. The teens had little or no ownership in the ministry and no desire to reach out to their peers.

One day as I was walking through a hallway in the church towards my office I heard someone playing the piano.  I didn’t recognize the song or the voice so I made my way up to the sanctuary to see if someone had gotten into the building that was not supposed to be there.  What I saw and heard has forever transformed my view of youth ministry.

At the piano sat Angel “Chico” Gonzalez.  He was singing a song he had written about the pain and despair he had experienced from his parents divorce and the comfort he found only in the love of Jesus.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I heard him sing and when he finished I asked him if he had ever thought about using his gift to share with others what he had experienced in his relationship with Christ. He told me that he had never thought about using his musical talents in Christian service because adult church leaders had always frowned upon the music he liked.

Needless to say, I encouraged him to keep singing and to pray about how God might want to use his talents and gifts in His kingdom.  Within a few days, several other youth got excited about music ministry, and they started practicing at church.  They soon formed a group called One Way, based on John 14:6.  They prayed, wrote music and rehearsed together faithfully for nearly six months and then, with the guidance of some adult youth workers and the blessing of the church leadership, began to sing in our church, other churches, at Christian youth rallies, evangelistic events, etc.

Our ministry began to look much different after the formation of One Way with the primary difference being that our ministry became a ministry done by youth as opposed to something done to youth.

The following are some time tested principles that our young people have taught us throughout the years that have helped them to become owners of the youth ministry in their church:

1. Be Quiet, Ask Questions and Listen. It might sound embarrassingly simple, but you’d be surprised how many adult youth workers never simply sit down, ask questions and really listen to young people.  A couple of summers ago a 19 year old heard me angrily criticizing the youth selling drugs on certain street corners near where he lived.  He asked me why I thought I had the right to criticize them to which I had no answer.  A few days later he took me out to the corner late one night while the dealing was heavy and I learned first hand why they were out there and what their impressions of the local church were.  Incidentally, nearly 70% of those I talked with had grown up in neigh-borhood Latino churches but left when they felt the church had become irrelevant to their lives and disinterested in their struggles.  When you look, listen and watch you’re able to allow youth to live out the gospel from their vantage point of giftedness as opposed to being tempted to force them into yours.

2. Share Visions, Dreams and Plans. Youth leaders love to dream about ministry and sometimes do a marginally good job at planning out their ministry goals and strategies.  However, when youth are not allowed in on these discussions, the result is they have no ownership in what happens because they have had no input.  Urban youth often perish because they have no vision.  Teach them how to dream, plan and pray by allowing them to do it with you.

3. Expose Youth to Other Ministries. Far too often, youth are limited in their scope of the kingdom of God because they know only what is happening in one city, in one denomination or in one church.  We have found that taking field trips to other ministries to learn from them and hear their dreams and visions has made an indelible impact on engaging youth on the issues of leadership development and ministry ownership.
4. Create Vacuums that Need to be Filled. Share with youth the opportunities for service in your own church and in their neighborhood, schools and families.  Don’t force them into specific roles but encourage them to pray and seek the Lord’s leading in regards to where he is calling them to serve.
5. Let Youth See You in Action. At the end of Elijah’s life we see painted in the Bible a beautiful portrait of a mentoring relationship in 2 Kings 2.  Elisha refuses to leave the side of his mentor and as a result watches Elijah in action right up to the time of his being taken up into heaven.  As Elijah parted the Jordan with a strike from his cloak when they were together so Elisha did the same upon his return from the other side of the Jordan when he was alone. He learned servant leadership by being exposed to it first hand.  We need to allow our youth the same opportunities to watch us in action both when we succeed and when we fail if we expect them to take ownership and leadership in our ministries.
6. Allow Youth to Feel Safe Enough to Make Mistakes. Allow and expect youth to make mistakes as they seek to share the gospel with their gifts and talents.  It is through mistakes and blunders that most of us youth leaders have learned our most valuable lessons.  A youth ministry that never allows youth to be in positions where they can safely fail will produce shallow disciples who will be leery of venturing outside of their comfort zones for the sake of the gospel as adults.
7. Hold Them Responsible. Too many youth ministries simply seek to entertain young people and thus not to hold them accountable to high standards of responsibility and conduct.  In a youth owned ministry model youth are motivated by their investment in ministry to want to be held accountable.  While the world is doing a devastatingly effective job of cornering the market on entertaining our youth it is doing nothing in the area of challenging them.  That is the real hunger of youth today and they respond at the chance to be challenged beyond the latest Play Station video game.  In addition, in our so called “postmodern world” of moral relativity, we’ve seen Christian young people genuinely wanting someone in their lives to hold them responsible for their actions.

8. Let Teens Model Spirituality. Far too often our churches and youth ministries subversively teach that spirituality is something that they can obtain when they graduate into adulthood.  Teens deserve the opportunity to model their spirituality and marginally committed teens will be challenged far more by seeing authentic Christianity lived out in front of them by their same age peers than by adults.
Joel Van Dyke
Director of Strategy of Transformation (GYMN partner)
Guatamela, Central America

Reflection and Action Items:

1. Think back on the story of Chico, have you ever felt like him? Are there youth in your ministry who may not be showing their talents because they fear disapproval like Chico?
2. Evaluate your youth group: is it more of an adult-led ministry or a youth-owned ministry? Can you remember events in your ministry that have been done by youth instead of done to youth?
3. Are there some things that make you hesitant to turn your ministry into a youth-owned ministry? What are they?
4. What are the advantages of having a youth ministry that is done by the youth?
5. How many of the principles stated in the article (Be Quiet and Listen, Share Visions and Plans, etc.) have you already been doing for your youth group?
6. Which of the following principles stated in the article is most needed by your youth group?
7. Write down specific goals (with where, when, who and how often) that you can accomplish as an individual and as a leadership team to make your ministry a youth-owned ministry.

60 dollar lesson

I took the kids to a restaurant this morning for breakfast. And, although I only had 7 of the kids with me the bill was still 60 bucks. Wow...I had decided that I wouldn't let that bother me, after all...if the toaster was in the kitchen somewhere I would have made eggs for them. But, alas...it was no where to be found. So you HAVE to go out for breakfast, right?

I pushed a couple of tables together and we buddied up and grabbed plates at this buffet style breakfast mega food place. I threw my receipt on the table as is customary. I also threw a couple of chocolate milk cartons that I'd grabbed off the buffet bar as we were walking back to our table. We all departed for the rows of goodies. My youngest daughter was with me and she eats like she's nicknamed (Bird) so we were the first ones to head back to the table. When we got there, another large party had decided that we set the tables just perfectly and decided to move in. As we approached my gaze was quickly on the table and our receipt. I mean, if you don't have that receipt you might as well be a shoplifter, right? So, I said some ingeniously clever remark to the waitress that was also there, "Did you just throw our receipt away?". The patriarch of the group was a fairly large in stature man with tattooed tear drops by his eye. With him was his wife, another couple similar in age to the tattooed man, several teenage kids and a young couple with a baby. Yeah, immediate tension. 

Here's where the lesson comes in - The bible says that a gentle word turns away wrath...I guess you can imagine what happens next. How I display all the things I've learned from scripture to try to calm the situation. Well, to imagine that would be exactly that, imaginative. It was nothing like that. I was kinda peeved and apparently it was on my shoulder and obvious. The young couple with the baby quickly interjected. "We're sorry sir, we can move". The tattooed man also through in fighting words like, "Oh, we're so sorry, we'll move.". 

So, scripture was proven again. Only, I was on the WRONG end of it. I tried to turn my bad attitude to graciousness by letting them stay and saying something like, "no really, not a problem, we'll just sit next to ya'll"...But, IT was out there. My super horrible, bad attitude strikes again. 

All through out the breakfast I was praying and wondering how I fix such a mess. I tried to purposely be more of a servant to the kids and get them things like juice and stuff. That wasn't enough. I kept looking over at their table and the Holy Spirit said, "say you're sorry." 

Wow, gulp. Ok, so the next ten minutes was spent in silence as I tried to figure out what I'd actually say. As I approached their table, I made eye contact with the tattooed man. He shot out of his seat with his hand extended toward mine and before I could say a word, apologized again. I mumbled some words about how I was sorry...but, it paled in comparison to this mans compassionate heart and spirit. Even as I thought I'd make myself look better with an apology in obedience to God's prompting, God chose to use even that to humble me...Thanks tattooed man.  Thanks God.

His will be done

I meet with a some fine Christian men once a week. We discuss things happening in our lives, prayer needs, and a plethora of other topics. As one of the guys was making his needs known, it struck me how prayer "seems" moot. We serve an amazing God whose plan is to prosper spiritually and perhaps even physically, those who believe and submit to Him. I know full well that my prosperous spiritual life could mean a destitute situation. And that seems understandable. But, I almost get to the point of "why even pray". I mean, His will will be done regardless. I can't change God.

Some will petition that Jesus taught about the woman who continually brought her case before a judge that would grant her petition just to get rid of her...consistency in prayer life. Long suffering.

Then I think of CS Lewis' quote - "prayer" ... "it doesn't change God, it changes me."

It puts Jesus parable into a different light for me. That I might develop a consistent, earnest, fervent, desperate longing to see God work in my life would change me. It might even make me dependent on Him, which might be exactly what He wants.

Can you imagine just praying and immediately having an answer? I don't think the proper name for someone that answers like that would be God but Genie. As I even teach about how God was training His people in discipline for 40 years as they were wandering in the wilderness, I overlooked how I behave exactly the same as them. I see things with my own shortsightedness and call it wisdom....my own timelines for when I think things should be resolved and call it patience...see my own obstacles and call them insurmountable.

I am reminded of an episode of Happy Days when they got everyone to chant an incantation and the faster they said it the more it revealed the truth. It went something like this:

Owa.... tafoo..... liam.... Say it over and over, and a little faster each time...Truth.

Special times

I have tried to spend more times with the kids in my family that aren't as active in, uh...activities as some of my other kids are. Things like breakfast on Saturday morning...and golf. I have had sweet times with them and it's fun to get them out on their own.
 
I had retired from golf about 7 years ago it was taking up too much time away from my family. I've played maybe 2 times in the last 7 years. My 2nd youngest son has had an interest in it for a while, but, I thought it would wear off. Well, it hasn't yet. Talking to my wife, we thought it would be a thing that he and I could do together. He's a hard worker and is starting to get the hang of the rhythm of the game. He's got a lot to learn about hitting the ball consistently, but, I am going to try to keep out of coaching him. We've played twice and each time grandpa was there and gave some good tips...a friend from church played with us and gave my son some balls and random advice. I think that may be a good way to go about this since it's rare that you ever play alone. Maybe, Lord willing, I'll just throw in a small training tidbit, but leave it up to him and advice from others to improve his game. I don't know yet. But, all I can say is it's been very nice. Some of my other boys have now started showing an interest in golf...but, don't know if I can afford many playing...again, we'll see. My wife mentioned that if everyone played it might take away from the special time I have created with this son. Good advice but, I'd hate to discourage it. It might be something they can do together when they are older. I can imagine them staying close, playing golf, loving their families, each other, each others families....It's not like soccer or baseball or something, you can play this until you die basically. I don't think I want to discourage it.
 
Breakfast with a couple of sweet girls is just pleasant. We go to a buffet and this particular buffet has a chocolate fondue fountain. Stab a strawberry, marshmallows, coconut macaroon with a stick, put it in the fountain, and let the chocolate harden - oh man, you'd think we'd won the lottery. I am amazed how my youngest daughter can get so much chocolate AROUND her mouth...but, she enjoys it. My 14yo goes too. I love this young woman. Such beauty, such wisdom. Priceless. Thank you God for all my sweet precious girls whom I love with all my heart and thanks for the time I am getting to spend with them.
 
A couple of my boys, (1 and 2) and my 2nd oldest daughter go to church with me to set up and get things going for me on Wednesdays and Sundays. I need to remember to tell them how helpful they are. They are such a tremendous blessing. Not only to me, but I watch them interact with others...they are a blessing indeed.
 
I have a couple more kids to integrate into time with me. I'm soooo looking forward to time with them too.
 
My kids are such blessings. God was right...............again.
Psalm 127:3
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.

 
 
 
 

Temper is a funny word.
tem·per[tem-per]  - noun
1.a particular state of mind or feelings.
2.habit of mind, especially with respect toirritability or patience, outbursts of anger, orthe like; disposition: an even temper.
3.heat of mind or passion, shown in outburstsof anger, resentment, etc.
4.calm disposition or state of mind: to be outof temper.
5.a substance added to something to modify its properties or qualities.
6.Metall.
1. the degree of hardness and strengthimparted to a metal, as by quenching,heat treatment, or cold working.
2. the percentage of carbon in tool steel.
3. the operation of tempering.
7. Archaic.  a middle course; compromise.
8. Obs.  the constitution or character of asubstance.
- verb (used with object)
9. to moderate or mitigate: to temper justice with mercy.
10.to soften or tone down.
11.to bring to a proper, suitable, or desirablestate by or as by blending or admixture.
12.to moisten, mix, and work up into properconsistency, as clay or mortar.
13.Metall.  to impart strength or toughness to(steel or cast iron) by heating and cooling.
14.to produce internal stresses in (glass) bysudden cooling from low red heat;toughen.
15.to tune (a keyboard instrument, as a piano,organ, or harpsichord) so as to make the tones available in different keys ortonalities.
16.to modify (color) by mixing with a medium.
17.Archaic.  to combine or blend in dueproportions.
18.Archaic.  to pacify.
- verb (used without object)
19.to be or become tempered.
Looking at 3 and 4 they seem like total opposites. It's a word that describes the way I am feeling though.

There are many things in life I understand waaaaaaaay better than youth ministry. For example, I am in charge of about a half a million dollars worth of technical equipment that's used to run a multi million dollar business. I am trusted and even respected as to my opinion in all matters regarding it, improvements on it, or replacing of it. I get paid well for knowing this rather useless stuff.

I am the proud dad of 9 amazing kids. They continually amaze me with the maturity and love they show.

I am a soccer coach of 14 terrific kids. They are all respectful and obedient (for the most part).

And then, I am a youth guy at a church with very few youth from actual church members. I have been trying to treat them like adults and give them the benefit of the doubt on many issues. Trying to be something that they don't get in the world...But, they just continue to try to be disruptive and disrespectful.

So, what does this have to do with temper? Several things:
-Need to temper (#9) how kids are behaving. I need to temper their attitude.
-I'll need to exhibit a cool temper (#4) yet still let them know how serious this is.
-Need to temper (#10) my attitude and angst toward what I have no worldly authority. Ultimately, the kids are the Lord's and I need to remember that their souls are what's important.
-Maintain my temper (#3) especially in areas where I do have authority and not let this particular role rule my thoughts across all my other roles.
-Eliminate my tempering (#18) of the youth...

I need to temper my attitude and temper the action of the kids without losing my temper.

Mission

She is taking her first missionary trip. I am proud of her and love her dearly. Please be in prayer over the trip.

Lucky

There have been a few weddings and proposals bouncing around. People that we knew as kids are now married and young adults we know now are proposing and accepting and planning their lives together...it starts the old noggin to thinking about my littles.

Here's the short of it. Some parents are going to be extremely blessed by whom their kids get attached and other parents, perhaps, not so much. What I mean is that there are kids I know that I wish I had a mate for so they would get married and I could have them in my family. Those kids would be just a tremendous blessing and add so much to our existing awesome quiver full.

Then I think about it from the other end. Are WE shooting out blessings to others? Will parents of others view our children as added blessings to their families? Then I think, "Well duh..." and move on. :-)

Yeah, my kids are flat. out. the. best.

Attitude

It's quite obvious that things happening in ones life can be reflected in their attitude. Perhaps they shouldn't, but in my case, I usually wear my feelings on my sleeve. It's amazing how hard it can be to alter the attitude without altering the happenings as well. What I mean is it's hard to adjust to the NEW happenings by just making a change in my attitude. Usually, I have to get rid of the stuff that is altering my attitude. Lately, I have been extremely terse, short, and generally cranky. When I reflect on the cause it points to how my life is upside down, how I am struggling with managing time, how my bible study times have been practically eliminated (they are now just reviews for teaching...not my own relationship) and how tired I am when it's bed time. Other things come to light as well; I am not spending quality time with my kids, there is no exercise to speak of, and the guilt of not being more studious really tugs at me. These all exacerbate the condition and a vicious cycle is created.

In my most public role, a youth soccer coach to 14 kids, it's even become evident. I had worked hard on not yelling at my kids in the past years. (Not that I was perfect)...but, would try to encourage the good and not blast out on the bad. With this condition I am in, I have absolutely regressed. It's so disappointing. But, this last game, I had added strength...It was a much more enjoyable environment for everyone.

So, as I try to point to the good and not the bad...please have patience with me. I have somewhat fallen off the wagon and I'm racing to try to jump back on. :-)

Thanks!

Choose wisely

I am feeling behind In everything, but primarily relationships. When times get busy, I tend to focus on low hanging fruit. Things that can be easily knocked out or marked as finished are my primary targets. It's a tactic that I've picked up over the years to make sure stuff gets done at the office. The problem is, strategies that are good in the office don't necessarily translate to smart decisions at home.

For example, this past Monday rain had caused our plans (soccer game) for the evening to be cancelled. It was our first free night in a long time. I quickly place myself in front of my computer, put on a soccer match on espn and started sorting through bills and address changes, etc. One of my boys wanted to shoot his airsoft gun and was asking permission. We hadn't messed with them in months and I told him the batteries were probably dead. But, he could take my BB gun out and shoot it. However, I didn't want him shooting it alone. I was hoping an older brother would volunteer to help him, but he didn't wait for me to set that up. He ran to the back and then ran to me and said "ready dad!". Don't you know that I never left that chair until after the kids went to bed.

I was extremely productive that evening and got a lot of work done that needed to get done. Low hangin fruit...check.

What category did I put my eager son in that evening? What category of his did I move into?

Yeah, crappy huh.