Sweet son

Ok, enough doctor bashing. I actually do really respect them...but, just sometimes feel like it's a big scam. Oops...there I go again. Sorry...

I wasn't feeling well today and stayed home from work. I look over on my nite stand and there's a black case that holds a Sony PSP. It's a handheld game. I wasn't sure what it was doing there...but, popped it out and played a couple of my sons games.

My oldest boy (the owner of the PSP) worked for 7 hours today...and the man that hired him said he did a really good job. THAT makes my day. I have always known that he's a diligent faithful young man, but, honestly, didn't know if he knew how to work hard for someone else. I was blessed to hear that he does. To top it off, after I picked him up from work and he had a bite to eat..he had come back to my room to ask his mom if there was anymore food any where...I asked him what his game was doing here. He said he left it there for me since I wasn't feeling well.

That kid blessed my whole day.

When I walked out to make sure the house was shut down, he had already fallen asleep on the couch with his Henry Blackaby devotional in his hand and his Bible by his side. Man, I love that boy.

Bad example continued

So, where was i?

Ah....yes, doctors. I have more information that is very useful in understanding doctors. Especially MDs. It appears that they are taught how to use medicine to treat patients. Nothing on curing unless the medicine does it. That fits with the experience that i have encountered and is the principal cause of my frustration. So, it is really not their fault, they just do what they're taught. I still don't care for that. Someday we will all learn of the pharmacutical conspiracy...but until then we will just do what we have to. ;-)

ALL of that runs through my mind when the doctors tell you what your problem is and how they recommend managing it. My response is anger. Top that with the desire that we not even have the problem at all and i get pouty too.

Then, after i see my kids behave that way i am all like, where in the world did they learn to behave like that?

See, bad example and short term memory loss! Lethal combination.

Dealing with bad news

I am a horrible example when it comes to dealing with problems that are bad in nature and involves someone that i deeply love. I see all the chronic psychobabble exemplified in my every action. You know, denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Those kind of things. These are the days i wish i had paid more attention in psychology class.

Part of me refuses to accept answers that (to me) are not logical. Everytime i have taken my wife to a doctor words like, "it might be a brain tumor...we'll let the Dr look at it and call you next week" take over every prognosis. Experiences after surgeries and the general lack of knowledge and interest paired with the successes that i have had with doctors in Denver come to mind. Nightmarish stories of friends dealings with Ft smith doctors makes me doubt every word i hear.

So, denial.

Experiencing it first hand is a killer for me since that taints my view so vividly. Yeah, yeah, yeah there are some that treat ya good and all but it still makes it hard to accept their word as final. They even say that what they do might not help. The surgery may not provide relief, etc... So, nothing against the doctor person, it's probably how they have to do things to keep from getting sued...anyway, I am rambling.

I have run out of time on this post...i will pick it up later.

Stuff

Can't believe it's been 12 days since JDudes surgery. He's almost back to 100%. He's been playing soccer, football, wrestling...eating chips! His voice is almost back to normal as well. For a while he was sounding pretty puny.

An area that we all need to work onion the T household is handling losing. J dude is horrible at it, my oldest boy is almost as bad.. But, I am the worst. I guess that's where they get it. Man, what a mess to fix....

Joy of the Lord

Would you think it's wrong to desire the joy of the Lord? Sometimes I do. I feel as though my motives are impure. Most of the time, I think that the joy of the Lord equates to MY peace. I want everything to be "good" and my favorite way to experience that kind of joy is when everything is going like clock work. Is that the same as the joy of the Lord?...duh. Nope. But, that's what I desire as joy. There aren't sad, hard, disappointing, discouraging, troubling, etc... times. It's not getting prayer requests that a kid that you coached in soccer constantly undergoes treatments and exams, having chronic seizures. It's not seeing family go to the hospital countless times...just to return home and have nothing change in their lives or lifestyle. It's not seeing your good friends worry about their parents as they get tested for bone cancer. It's not in sudden trips to the ICU. It's not in hearing my wife talk about kids that are hungry. It's not in car wrecks, not in carelessness...not even in taking your kids to have his tonsils and adnoids removed.  It's not in the pain my wife experiences due to some sort of arthritis. It's not in a new church building. Nope, I can find no joy in those things.

Some would say that you need to be thankful that the kid is still ok, that family is still around, that you have friends...etc. As if taking that bad thing and comparing it to the worst thing makes ANYTHING better. But, isn't that just trying to fool yourself so that you think better of something that isn't a good thing by seeing how bad it might or could have been? I don't buy that. In fact, I say that is foolishness and being blind.

So, what is the joy of the Lord? Is it understanding God's sovereignty? That His plan will be executed regardless? I do understand that. However, sometimes the small things that happen working up to then or leading up to the completion of His perfect plan are painful. Pain is often talked about in scripture, such as mourning, trials and the like, it seems like it's to be expected. It's part of life and being a fully devoted follower of Jesus doesn't remove that. Scripture says it will build character, it will strengthen us, it will help us rely more on God, etc. crappy things are GOING to happen.

I'm disappointed, distracted, confused, tired, and ticked off - but, the real test is going to be how I handle that. Not, that I try to cover it up and be thankful it's not something worse. But, that I actually deal with it appropriately.

Now, if I could only figure out how to do that...

A bunch of nothing that is a lot to me

Well, 2 more days and my son has his surgery....boy am I nervous. He's a trooper though.

My wife may have a very disabling ailment as well...find out more tomorrow.

Seems I can't talk to anyone without making them cry.

Work is obnoxiously busy.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan, is pounding down the door for a change.

Other prayer needs:

• my good friends dad has 7 crack vertebrae
• the Bandi's
• the dad of a family we love just passed away. Half of their family is sick the other half heading to another state to the funeral.
• a homeschool family dad that I don't know is in ICU with a heart issue.
• my daughter and her troubling dream.
• coworker with gall bladder issues

Phew...tough times!

Kinda worried

My son has a pretty common surgery scheduled for the 28th. I am terrified. I hate the fact that he’s going to be put under and some schmuck has to be responsible for his well being that doesn’t know him or care about him. He is just getting a paycheck. It really eats at me. However, I am pretty confident that the adnoids removal should provide some breathing comfort for him…the tonsils being taken out are a “while I am in there” after thought.

I wish I could be in there watching everyone to make sure they are doing their best and taking care of the precious person they will be cutting on.

Ugh….

My super awesome son…

busy

Wow…it’s a busy time in life. But, there are so many times where it seems I’m bored. I seek out things to do that aren’t very involved or won’t suck up a lot of time just to find that I those minutes were wasted. I have been spending more time defaulting to a couple of hobbies to remedy this listlessness. I am pretty happy with this…. But, hope I can remember to always do the important things over the things that I simply like. I think that the biggest draw right now it my sweet brides interest in expanding our family. It seems God’s best for us is to close the womb. Temporarily or not, it’s what’s going on and while we did make sure there weren’t any medical issues…we are going to try to be faithful and live with that.

 

My wife has been extremely active in working with youth proclaiming the good news of Jesus Christ. She’s a woman on fire, with a mission and executing! Have you seen the commercial where the car is dragging the big anchor down the freeway and the two cops guess 15mph….well, I’m the anchor in this relationship. To some degree I think that it’s healthy to have one of us being on fire and all out and the other with a brake on the handle . I mean, sometimes we can get carried away and we need the reasoning efforts of the one NOT on fire. I am not sure it’s the case with this. I am feeling more like the commercial…everything should be traveling at certain speed and I am keeping it slow.

 

Here’s the thing. I don’t feel like NOW is the time. I do feel that there will be a time but, I don’t know when.

 

I think about how things have transpired over the years and there have been decisions that I “went along” with that turned out to be not the best decisions. Not that things were “wrong” when I went along with them. But, maybe took us on a detour that caused grief, work or a hard learned lesson from the Lord. The first example is when I had a vasectomy. Even in the doctor’s office I looked at my wife and asked, “are you sure this is the right thing?” – “Yep” without hesitation. Well, if you know me at all we spent hours studying, being convicted, spending a lot of money, and enduring some considerable pain to say, “oops, that wasn’t right”. Without a doubt I feel that the path we chose helped shape me into who I am now. But, the truth is that I knew it wasn’t right to begin with…but, went along with it.

Then, there was moving to and from Colorado. The move out was less a thing…but, as we got out there, it was discovered that our reasoning was flawed…but, coming back, I really felt again that I was going along and not making the decisions I should. I am NOT saying that I wish we hadn’t done some of this…but, I am saying that I failed to go with “the gut”…and did what was most pleasing.

 

It’s just very busy.

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Interesting devotional considering how I feel

Jesus said that certain events would signal the nearness of His coming: There will be wars and rumors of wars; there will be famines and earthquakes; Christians will suffer persecution for the sake of Christ; false prophets will come and teach heresy, leading many astray; lawlessness will abound as people do what is right in their own eyes; the authorities will be unable to control crime. Because of lawlessness, people will become cynical and fearful, and their love for others will grow cold (Matt. 24:6–12).

The last line sums me up to a degree....

Another interesting tidbit that I am unclear about is what lawlessness is Jesus referring to? Government or biblical, ot law?

Changes

I have been a drifter lately. Not really good at anything or even interested in pursuing anything. I found that the first thing to go was a desire to further relationships. I notice that people that I am not close to..I don’t care if I get close to. It’s like I am not interested in the work that requires and I am not interesting enough to develop the relationship without that work. So, that gets put in the “too much effort for the reward” column and doesn’t get worked on.

 

However…(sometimes I hate that word)….however, I read a page of a book and it is making me think about my relationship with my kids even more. Are we developing deep relationships or are we rehashing the same ol’ stuff day after day. And, then I heard a song by Lincoln Brewster called Real Life and it spoke to leaving a legacy..and I thought some more.

 

The book spoke to teaching our kids the wonder and amazing-ness of God even in little flowers…The song spoke to leaving a legacy…The book talked about the details of creation and the intelligence of our God…The song speaks of the yesterdays that we had in real life, a place we took for granted. Praying that the moments now as a father, will last.

 

In my rapid and inevitable climb to middle age there are some adjustments that I am discovering I need to make…that I want to make.

 

I want to be a teacher to my kids. Not a professor. When I have had good teachers, they do exactly that…they attempt to take the knowledge they have and form it in a way that the student will understand it, digest it…and have it become their own. Professors…simply profess. The reason for this is blah, blah..the way that goes it blah, blah. They don’t ever seem to “care” about the student to the degree that I would want to as a teacher.

 

I want to be a learner – improve at the things that are worth my time.

 

I want to love others regardless of whether they love me or not.

 

I want to pray more.

 

I want to have a REAL relationship with the Lord.

 

I want my kids to see the importance of all that, I want to be teaching them those things and I want them to claim it for their own so that they have what they need in life to make decisions of utmost importance. They may not ever really say it, but, I would want to have covered enough stuff with enough depth and enough love for them to say, “what would Dad say about that?” Essentially, to have them reflect on our relationship because I cared enough to take the time and do the work.

 

I want to NOT be lazy.

 

Amen.

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